Wow. What a wild and weird journey I took tonight. I decided to separate some of our personal effects to make it easier to see and show the house thats going on the market. I opened up both treasure boxes…(2 chests I like to put the kids drawings and stuff in to keep) then… and I found all the letters. Letters from and to my husband before we got married up until they stopped about 6ish years ago. I couldn’t help myself. I had to read them. I have changed so much in the last two decades, I was very curious to see the progression.
And boy. If I hadn’t had been so close to the situation, I would have seen it a mile away. The first indications that we were growing apart and our love was becoming overtaken by childhood wounds was the apology letters. (1997ish,8ish) You know…..the “I never want to lose you and I promise that I will ……….blah blah blah…….” It lasts about a week if that then its…….back to the same old stuff.
One thing I did notice was that the apologies started coming before the complaints. It was almost like I was being primed. So, I began to notice that less and less time was spent with me, less love letters, I began to feel lonely. I felt like there was nothing left to talk about.
So, I wrote a letter saying that I really needed him and never wanted to lose him. I wanted to have him cuddle with me and come home from work into my arms. (I’m a big romantic) I wanted it to go back to the way it was. He had started pushing me away in bed. Then came the excuses, one after the other. I began to feel unwanted, a victim.
Then, I could no longer say anything about my needs or feelings because then it was “bitching”. So, I stayed lonely. If I wasn’t such a ***** then he wouldn’t be that way. It was all my fault. Had a few children. Worked my fingers to the bone taking care of everything and I couldn’t even get something to look forward to …like a night out without the kids once a month or two….
We began fighting. I started to get angry and bitter. I thought if I could just make him remember how great it was at first, he would be like…”Wow, I’m a knucklehead”. Didn’t work. I was still alone. These letters were dated in 2006. YEAH. I have been sitting around waiting on my miracle for 9ish years. As I look back on these letters, I feel like the stupidest person in the world, Half my life with someone and the better years of my life are gone…..and for what? A Passive aggressive narcissist who had intended to waste my entire life. Now, the traits are being seen in my boys. They treat people unkindly and are always angry.
I beg you ladies, if your man isn’t Godly and wont see and pray over this and you are seeing these signs earlier than I was please get into some counseling or run for the hills.
I hate to condone divorce or separation as a believer in Jesus, but I believe this is a big seductive play of the enemy to keep you down from your calling. It could be the deceiver. Please cover yourself in prayer and ask God what He would have you do. God Bless You.