Time Travelling Through Reading Letters

•March 2, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Wow.  What a wild and weird journey I took tonight.  I decided to separate some of our personal effects to make it easier to see and show the house thats going on the market. I opened up both treasure boxes…(2 chests I like to put the kids drawings and stuff in to keep) then… and I found all the letters.  Letters from and to my husband before we got married up until they stopped about 6ish years ago.  I couldn’t help myself. I had to read them.  I have changed so much in the last two decades, I was very curious to see the progression.

And boy.  If I hadn’t had been so close to the situation, I would have seen it a mile away.  The first indications that we were growing apart and our love was becoming overtaken by childhood wounds was the apology letters. (1997ish,8ish) You know…..the “I never want to lose you and I promise that I will ……….blah blah blah…….” It lasts about a week if that then its…….back to the same old stuff.

One thing I did notice was that the apologies started coming before the complaints.  It was almost  like I was being primed.  So, I began to notice that less and less time was spent with me, less love letters, I began to feel lonely.  I felt like there was nothing left to talk about.

So, I wrote a letter saying that I really needed him and never wanted to lose him.  I wanted to have him cuddle with me and come home from work into my arms.  (I’m a big romantic)  I wanted it to go back to the way it was. He had started pushing me away in bed. Then came the excuses,  one after the other. I began to feel unwanted, a victim.

Then, I could no longer say anything about my needs or feelings because then it was “bitching”.  So, I stayed lonely.  If I wasn’t such a ***** then he wouldn’t be that way. It was all my fault. Had a few children.  Worked my fingers to the bone taking care of everything and I couldn’t even get something to look forward to …like a night out without the kids once a month or two….

We began fighting. I started to get angry and bitter. I thought if I could just make him remember how great it was at first, he would be like…”Wow, I’m a knucklehead”.  Didn’t work. I was still alone.  These letters were dated in 2006.  YEAH.  I have been sitting around waiting on my miracle for 9ish years. As I look back on these letters, I feel like the stupidest person in the world,  Half my life with someone and the better years of my life are gone…..and for what?  A Passive aggressive narcissist who had intended to waste my entire life. Now, the traits are being seen in my boys. They treat people unkindly and are always angry.

I beg you ladies, if your man isn’t Godly and wont see and pray over this and you are seeing these signs earlier than I was please get into some counseling or run for the hills.

I hate to condone divorce or separation as a believer in Jesus, but I believe this is a big seductive play of the enemy to keep you down from your calling.  It could be the deceiver.  Please cover yourself in prayer and ask God what He would have you do. God Bless You.

The Silent Devourer of Marriage #2 Passive -Aggression

•February 10, 2015 • 2 Comments

passive-aggressive He had his best smile on.  You know the one.  The one that charmed you into marrying him.  Except no one got to see it anymore except other people.  Now the true nature of the beast was exposed and it was all a big power-play.  Who could “WIN”.  Compromise?  Doesn’t that just mean They lose?   That’s not win-win……that’s win….lose.   Cause it’s their way or the highway.   Shut down completely.  Leaves the house if they have to…as long as the conflict doesn’t get resolved and it erodes your marriage and family for 20 years.

This is the basis of this learned coping behavior.  Somewhere along the lines, they learned that coping with a problem best was to AVOID it at all costs…..usually as a response to childhood abuse…even if it means losing your family.  Is it Biblical?   I think it goes against everything the Bible says about being a husband, father, (or mother) and leader…..not to mention a follower of Jesus.  Can they overcome?  Absolutely….with God’s help and enough prayer and determination.  They probably won’t wake up one day delivered from PAD.  Might have to get some determination not to be lazy first.

Here’s the question burning in all you married ladies (or men’s) minds.  Is it sinful to separate if I have had enough?  Is it pleasing to God if I finally pull the plug, set some boundaries and head for the hills?  I mean suffering brings us closer to God doesn’t it?   I struggled with this for a while and finally realized that God calls me to protect my children from abusers, not expose them to them.  If it were only me, I could do all I could, stay, suffer, be obedient as unto Christ….but I certainly don’t want to be a stumbling block to my children.  No millstones for me, thankyou.

I see signs already in my children and often wonder if it is too late.  I don’t think it is ever too late for Jesus is it?  Praise God we serve the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  And praise Him that He wants us to PARTICIPATE in our healing in relationship with HIM!

Dream to be Free 1988

•January 28, 2015 • Leave a Comment

As I was going through some old memoirs, I came across an old poem I had written back in 1988.  That would have made me 15 years old.  I wish I could find them all.  It’s weird to see the difference in thinking I have now.  Kinda sounds like I was writing about Jesus before I even knew Him.

Dream to be Free

I want to reach out and grasp the black flame

A flame re-ignited

That’s burning down hopes, burning down dreams

I want to smother it with compassion

To set myself free

As darker grows the dusk

And the punks on the street

I want to rid the world of evil

As demons howl through reflective insights

The cause of war, the cause of fights

When the crayon bursts with indignation

As the children cry for innovation

I want to re-kindle the true flame

A fire of red passion unforeseen

A roaring blaze of new desires

And with this I will be free.

 

What a Wife’s Heart Would Say to Her Husband

•January 28, 2015 • Leave a Comment

S. Joines:

I Reblog my own blog with the confession that my marriage has failed. It was because of these signs that I wrote about 2 years ago. Please, I beg you, if you are a truly Godly man, drop the pride and cherish her heart. Every word of this is true. We are all broken, but if we don’t submit our brokenness to Christ to heal, we will stay stuck. I’m not willing to stay stuck. Grow together with your wife. Make her feel safe and that she can trust you and let the past heal and vice versa, before it’s too late.

Originally posted on S. Joines:

Are you a man who only believes something if it comes from someone other than your wife?  If you are like some husbands, you don’t want to hear anything your wife says about your marriage.  You’ve heard it a million times, right? She says the same thing repeatedly.  Let’s see if I can guess.

“You don’t LISTEN to me.”

“You don’t CARE about me.”

“You never TAKE ME ANYWHERE.”

“You are not INVOLVED with the children, you let them WALK ALL OVER ME.”

It’s always you, you, you…right?  I bet you feel like nothing you do will ever be right.  You have tried EVERYTHING!  Many men have felt just like this, some for a very long time.   I am addressing the man in this post because there is a reason that you are the head over your wife and children, you are the leader.  What follows will help your…

View original 806 more words

Mountain Scrolls

•January 14, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Mountain Scrolls

 

The scrolls were laid bare for all to see

Then evil came and tried to take them from me

So, I ran to the mountains and I put them in a tree

Until the day that on the ground would rest every knee

 

Now take away my sins I pray

That I committed each and every way

I prayed on that wonderful mountain day

Beside the scrolls in the tree I lay

 

It says he was crucified upside down

A martyr not good enough to die lying down

But lay down His life Jesus did for me

And the yellow butterflies guard the scrolls in that mountain tree

Victims of PTSD sufferers…Boots…a poem

•December 26, 2014 • Leave a Comment

This is a poem I wrote about the victims of PTSD put to power point. Many spouses and children suffer this abuse in silence because the focus is usually on the abuser. If you are a victim of someone with PTSD it is still abuse. Get help before it is too late. Thank you for watching, God bless.

Have you learned the LESSON?

•August 1, 2014 • Leave a Comment

S. Joines:

I think this is an encouraging word for me at this time. I love my hang onto verse through suffering 1 Peter 5:10. Thankyou and may Jesus Bless you as well.

Originally posted on finalcall07:


Those who follow and who obey Jesus Christ and who endure until the end will enter the Kingdom of Heaven through MUCH SUFFERING. Jesus teaches us through SUFFERING because we learn through that which we SUFFER. There is no other way to learn but to suffer and therefor those who follow Jesus Christ will be put through suffering, with good reason, so that we can be transformed and changed into His likeness.
If we are not willing to endure suffering and hardship then we will not follow Jesus Christ, we will not be willing to follow Him, we will turn away and we will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus OFTEN puts us through suffering to TEACH US A LESSON. He puts ALL of His children through suffering but some of them never learn the lesson. They suffer in vain and in the end they will not enter the…

View original 201 more words

 
Karina's Thought

Encouraging and inspiring through God's word

Prayers and Promises

Rebuilding Lives - One Hope at a Time

rhemasong

Leaving the bridal chamber; A threefold journey to the heart of god

finalcall07

Making disciples of Jesus Christ

Angela Wolf

A few of my favorite things ... Fashion, Sewing, & Fishing!

Dr. Leila The World of Holistic Health

"It is my passion to empower each individual to achieve the highest quality of life" -Dr.Leila

Nail Your Novel

Nail Your Novel - Writing, publishing and self-publishing advice from a bestselling ghostwriter and book doctor

Wuji Seshat Nibada

The poetry addict

wrongwithlife

The immeasurable terrors of her mind...

Relevant Christian

Real.Life.Christianity.

Dr Nicholas Jenner PsyD MA

Psychologist, Online Therapist and Counselor

EcoGrrl

simplicity - discovery - sustainability - equity - creativity

My Thyroid Problems and Concerns

My issues with Hypothyroidism. "Will I ever feel normal again?"

Crossing the Line

Learning to fly over the mainstream

Where Faith meets Health

A Journey towards Deeper Faith and Greater Health

Catalogue of Sorts

What I wear, when I wear it, and how it works on my bike

Laura After Midnight

Bringing the 'proper way of stitching' to all!

SewVant

An idiot with sewing skills

noblebird

Just another WordPress.com site

Flamingo and Owl

Crafting, Life, and Family - Blooming Where I'm Planted

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 153 other followers

%d bloggers like this: