Long time no read, bloggers. What a wild summer it has been. Last November I separated from my husband of 20 years. A couple months in He texted me…yes. Texted me….that He was done with me, no more trying to reconcile. No more counseling. It was quite a blow after all I had invested in the relationship. I spiraled into depression. I tried to abide in Jesus in the darkness, but could find no light. But I knew He was there. He’s always there.
I continued to pray as I had been praying for my husband. But now I was asking God to send me someone better. Someone who would be faithful, cherish my heart, be a great leader and keeper of the flocks. I confessed to God that I knew I should be content with Him only, but I was lonely. About 6 months after the separation, on a wild spur of the moment meet for coffee with someone that had went to high school where I did, I experienced something I never thought possible.
I fell into his eyes as if the Mariana trench would never hold us. The deepness of his gaze tore at my gut, deeper than my heart, so deep I was helpless. There was no choice involved. My flesh could not have said no. I had to look away because of the intensity of his gaze over coffee that day. I could only dip my toe into that ocean, if I looked too long I would fall completely in and drown.
There were too many signs to mention them all here, and by signs I mean spiritual signs that this was right. I struggled with still being legally married, despite the complete dismissal of my husband. I suppose that’s how the husbands did it in the Bible. I’m sure they didn’t have to get a paper from court as in the “worldly” side of divorce. I am resting in the “kingdom’s” view of divorce. I have to, what other choice do I have? As I prayed and prayed over what to do, How to be a good example to my children, how to be happy finally, and obedient to God all at the same time, I found that there was nothing I could do to “arrange” things. This was completely out of my control. What if this was the answer to my prayers and I rejected it because of a “worldly” view of divorce, and missed my chance at happiness?
When I was apart from him, I became physically sick to my stomach. I literally ached for him. Inside and out. I found myself on a level of connection that I could feel across the miles that separated us. We often thought of the same things at the same time. We both fell so hard our heads were spinning. It was as if a powerful force was tethering us together in the Spirit and pulling it tight, like the cinching of my corset. Tighter and tighter, I began praying that the tether wouldn’t snap under the weight. Heavier than gravity, I found myself unable to back off. I wanted to take it slower, be more sure, avoid being hurt again. I could not.
Three months into this freefall and I sit here in our bed once again sick to my stomach because he is at work. Every day I fall deeper. We have made it through several disagreements and each time we have become closer in the end. I know it’s early in the relationship, but I have committed completely. I am finding it hard to write about this as there aren’t words big enough for how I feel. How do you describe a cosmic explosion so big that once condensed inside a human heart, one pin prick would destroy the world?